I was sleepy again today. I remembered all my restraint yesterday in not drinking the java. Of keeping it clean. Not setting myself up to want gum. I even remembered how proud I was of myself when I made it all the way through the day, and how well I slept last night. And my delicious sleepy balls! I remembered they were waiting for me at home. Even with all these thoughts, I was so sleepy, and it was only 10:30a.
So I did it. And I did it big. A girlfriend and I got into the car, and very intentionally drove to Starbucks. I walked straight passed the apples and basket of banana’s, directly to the girl at the register, and said it: “A tall blonde roast, please”…”room for cream and sugar?”…”no, thanks.” I wondered if she knew what I was sacrificing in that moment? That I wasn’t just another customer, but that I was on a mission–now, a mission diverted. I wish I could lie and say I drank it without any sweetener or cream. But truth-be-told, I had a delicious cup of blonde roast coffee with a whole pack of…SPLENDA. It happened. Went against all my lessons in pretentious foodie behavior, let alone the rules of the Raw. Do I even like Splenda, you may ask? Nope. I think it is, and tastes like poison. So why did I do it? I blame exhaustion. I was so sleepy!!
But I thought about it, in my hours of jitteriness, nausea, hyper-activity and sweaty palms…I thought about it, and decided I wouldn’t feel bad about it. Even as I chewed the stick of gum I stole from someone’s desk, I decided not to have any shame. It’s Day 10, and I have done really well! It hasn’t been easy, and really it’s been pretty tough. I’ve fought some unbelievable battles, and even won a couple wars in the past week and half. And I intend to enjoy these last few days without being burdened by the guilt of a cup of joe (although the Splenda is a little harder to get over!) or a stick of gum. Surely, there’s worse things. And I’m sure I’ll think of every single one of them as I lay awake in bed for the next 3 nights.
Tonight’s recipe: Forgiveness.